Conflict Among Brothers
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Is it easy to always get along with your brothers?
If you are finding this to be a battle, you are not alone. The first two brothers were Cain and Abel, and Cain killed his brother (Genesis 4). So, it does not take long for two brothers to be at odds with one another.
This is true of biblical brothers as well. While your brother in Christ may not be a blood relative, he is still your brother. In fact, the Greek word used for brother (αδελφός – pronounced ‘adelphos’) is used in the New Testament for both a natural brother and a Christian one. In fact, it would not be wrong for you to believe that your Christian brother may actually be closer to you than your natural one.
Can’t We All Just Get Along?
A brother is a powerful ally. However, often the depiction of brotherhood in the Bible is not a good one. Often there are conflicts, even examples where one brother took the life of the other.
Even in cases where the brothers love each other, there are still issues that can arise. There will be conflicts, and brothers need to know how to resolve those conflicts so that they can continue the ultimate goal of God – the unity of the body of Christ.
Paul tells us in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” We are called to live in peace with one another. In fact, Jesus called us to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). So, when we are at odds with others, especially our brothers, God wants us to correct those situations so that division does not occur.
What Causes Conflict
To understand how to resolve conflict, we must first grasp the core reasons why they occur. In most instances, it is our own pride that leads to conflict.
In Genesis 4, the story of Cain and Abel is told. Each of these brothers brought an offering to the Lord, but Cain’s offering was brought with the wrong motive. Abel brought the very best of his herd, while Cain simply brought whatever was available. His heart was in the wrong place.
As a result, God blessed Abel but did not accept Cain’s offering. Cain, in his pride and jealousy, killed Abel. He let his pride rule and, as a result, murdered his brother.
It is very difficult to live at peace with others when your pride is in the way. You will always choose your version of the story, your way of thinking, and your belief about something. That leaves very little room to resolve the conflict. When you continuously think you are right and believe that others are wrong, you can be sure that conflicts are going to occur.
How has your pride created conflict in your life?
Fear is another reason why conflicts occur. Your anxiety, stress, and fear can lead you lash out at others. It creates conflict.
In many instances in the Bible, we are encouraged to lean into God during our time of fear. God assures us that he is a refuge (Psalms 46:1) and that he will deliver us from our fears (Psalms 34:4). However, in the midst of anxiety and fear, we may turn away from God and turn our fears on others.
Understand that fear is a powerful motivator. It will cause you to do many things, including steal, lie, fight, create division, and much more. Fear will draw out that sin nature described in Galatians 5:19-21, “sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.”
These types of things will inevitably lead to conflict, because they create conflict in ourselves. As Paul described in Romans 7:15, we do the things we hate and don’t do the things we want. With that kind of conflict going on inside of us, it would be inevitable that we would lash out at others or to have divisive conversations with them.
Can you describe how your fears have led to conflict?
Our own lusts will cause conflict as well. These desires are rooted in our sin nature as well. When we let our lusts guide us, we will often disregard the feelings, rights, and desires of others. We simply don’t care!
This is often what happens when we become addicted to something. Our addiction becomes our stronghold, disregarding everyone and everything else. Therefore, we will take what does not belong to us, disregard the thoughts and feelings of others, and push aside anyone who tries to stop us. Conflict is inevitable in these situations.
Are there situations where your addiction has led to conflict?
What Is My Role?
As mentioned, Jesus told us that we were to be peacemakers. That peacemaker is not one who simply stops a conflict. He or she is someone who intervenes to create peace when no peace existed before. That is hard to do when you are creating conflict.
Before continuing, it is important to clarify something. Not all conflict is bad. We think of conflict as a kind of battle, but it can be an instance where we are confronting someone about their behavior. Sometimes, conflict can be nothing more than speaking truth into the life of another person.
That is not always the case, however. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus explained “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” If someone has offended you, you are to go to them and tell them of their offense. The ultimate goal is restoration, and when you are harboring resentment then there will not be unity of the body. Jesus is commanding us to go and correct a situation like that.
The challenge that many of us face is that we are not used to confronting a brother about their behavior. In fact, we are often taught to mind our own business. This is not what the Bible teaches.
Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” We are not just called to correct a brother but are called to help make them a better man. It is our intervention and interaction with our brother who was fallen short that helps that person get to a better place. This is a situation where conflict is not bad at all.
In fact, Jesus often corrected His followers. In Luke 9:46-48, the disciples began to argue about who of them will be the greatest. Jesus admonishes them, telling them that the one who receives a small child in His name, is the one who will be the greatest.
Earlier in this chapter (v. 37-43), a man brings his demon possessed son to Jesus and explains that the disciples were unable to cast the demon out of the boy. Before Jesus sends the demon away, he chastises his disciples by telling them, “O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you and bear with you?”
Understand there is nothing wrong with confronting a brother who was falling short. This is what the Bible commands us to do.
Do you find it challenging to confront others about their sinful behavior?
If so, what challenges you about doing so?
There Is a Proper Procedure
However, it is important to understand that confrontation is always done in love. This is not a situation where one corrects another by using threats or intimidation. It is done with a loving spirit that follows a procedure that Jesus said in Matthew 18:15-20. Here it reads:
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. 19 Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
This passage sets a very clear process to how one brother corrects another when he has committed an offense. Verse 15 explains that the one brother goes to the offender and corrects him in private. This is one of the most important parts of this step. An audience is not needed to correct a brother. It is done in such a way as to consider the feelings and discretion of the offender. In doing so, one shows love to his brother by performing this act in private.
Again, this is not done with threats or intimidation. It is approaching the brother with love and acknowledging that he is caught in a sin, and needs correction.
So, you may wonder what you would do if the brother does not accept the correction. Jesus explained that you would then bring two witnesses with you to confront the brother about his behavior. Understand that this is not two people who think they know what happened. It is two people with first-hand knowledge of the situation who can provide proof of the accusation. They are to talk to the person, explain the evidence and pointing to them the reality of what has happened.
Should the person not accept the witnesses and the evidence presented, then the accused person is to be brought before the entire congregation. It is at that point that a decision is made on whether to keep the person as part of the group. Understand that this is not to remove the person from the church, but to treat them as if they are an unbeliever needing the love and affirmation of who Jesus is.
You Want Them to Be Restored
You want to keep in mind one thing when confronting a brother – restoration. The ultimate goal is to restore the brother back to the fellowship of believers. It is not to kick them out of the church or group, but is to show them that there is an error that needs to be corrected.
By correcting the error, the person is restored and brought back to the group. When he refuses to accept the admonition, then the man is treated like one who needs to come to the saving grace of Jesus Christ. It is not to shun or remove them, but to work with them to restore them back to the body of believers.
A Practical Look
Jesus provides the framework upon which we challenge and restore a brother. However, you may be wondering what that looks like. So, a look at how to accomplish confrontation with the brother may help.
First, the primary focus of working out a disagreement between brothers is for God to be at the center of that discussion. So, before talking with a brother, you want to pray. Spend some time with God, asking for His direction on how the matter can be resolved.
Second, approach the brother out of love. Point out to him that your ultimate goal is to help restore him so that he comes into alignment with the spirit nature you learned about in the last block of lessons. You are not coming to create division or anger, but to help remedy a problem.
The person who is being confronted needs to pray and open his heart to God as well. You may not like what is being said, but all parties involved are obligated to approach in love. Even when Jesus confronted His disciples, he always did in love.
It is also important to realize that no one is perfect. If a brother is pointing out a wrong or sin in your heart, it is because he is hoping you will embrace his admonition, seeking to change. The only reason that one would fight against the correction is out of pride, fear, or lust. This is feeding the flesh, something each one of us needs to overcome.
Both parties need to spend some time actively listening to what each other is saying. Don’t wait for the other person to stop talking so that you can air your grievances. Listen so that you fully understand what is being said.
Of course, your ultimate goal is to bring about restoration. Whether you are the person who has been offended or are the person who has committed the offense, each party should want to be restored to one another. The unity of the body of Christ is the ultimate goal.
Do you find it hard to listen to others when they confront you about your sins?
If so, why do you find it to be so difficult?
We All Need Somebody
Proverbs 17:17 tells us, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”
The truth is that we need each other. We are going to feed that sin nature every time without the help of our brother. We are going to fall short and be trapped by the deceptions and lies of the enemy if we do not have brothers prepared to assist us.
This may mean that you need to confront a brother when he is falling short. It may mean that you need to say some things that may be difficult to say, but which your brother still needs to hear.
If your brother is going to get to the best possible place, he needs brothers who are going to help him see the errors of his ways. If you were going to get to the best possible place, you need to be willing to listen to the challenges of others.
Are you ready to listen to others when they try to show you the right path?
Bible Passages for the Week:
Monday – Proverbs 15:1
Tuesday – James 1:19-21
Wednesday – James 4:1-6
Thursday – James 5:16
Friday – Matthew 18:15-20
Saturday – Pick a passage from Scripture that teaches you about conflict and how brothers should resolve that.
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© 2024 Dr. Robert Pannier, Hope CDA, All Rights Reserved
